About a month ago, my mom started saying
That I was twenty six.
It shouldn't have really been that big of a deal, but at that point I was only 25 and a half. Turning 25 was hard enough, I don't need to start jumping ahead. It wasn't meant to do any harm, and truthfully - it wasn't even that harmful. I just became very aware since then that I am a real adult. NO! WAIT! STOP! Hear me out - because I am not stupid. I know that 7 years ago I was an "adult", and 5 years ago, I stopped being a teenager, 3 years ago I started teaching high schoolers etc. - but that is not what I am talking about.
I have spent the better part of my 25th year of life trying to get to the bottom of what I am actually realizing. It's a lot of things, actually.
When I first became an adult, I actually took the time to write down my hopes and goals for the future. I know what they were, and I know that a little over a month ago, when I looked for the list, I thought that my actual life at 25 was incredibly different. I was devastated to see what had yet to come true or what simply wasn't possible anymore.
I had a whole plan.
I would have been married at 23, to an unknown "Best Friend" kind of guy, Hanna, Kaity, and Abby would have been my bridesmaids. I would be graduated with my photography degree, traveling all over the state to photograph beautiful weddings. I would be done serving at youth group as the tech and slides person and fully dedicated (with aforementioned husband) to being a ROOTS leader, I would be in a bible study group with aforementioned bridesmaids (who would also all be married), dreaming about our future kids and how we'd all homeschool them together. We would be saving up for a house in the woods, and we'd have a beautiful pool for our summers. We would host people over for coffee or board games or Mario Kart - all the time. I would have mastered laundry and cleaning my bathroom, and my home would be beautiful and cozy just like the home I grew up in. I would have photos of loved ones on every wall, and artwork of mountains and wildflowers would decorate my living room. My kitchen would always smell like baked goods, and I would have an herb garden (for some reason? I have always disliked gardening so 18 Emma was full on delulu I guess). Zeke would obviously be married as well, and his wife and I would be so dear to one another - close confidants. They'd be preparing for their next (of many) kids, and living in a giant house they built on our family property. I'd have a massive Christmas budget every year for spoiling and blessing everyone I wanted to! We'd buy all the gifts together and have the most fun plotting and planning for the holidays. We'd play "Santa" and be the rich aunt and uncle who give the coolest toys and most special treasures. We'd have special holiday traditions we made together, and special decorations for the "ber" months. We'd have Sunday dinner with mom and dad every week, and spend every morning quietly enjoying coffee and time with God.
A lot of my dreams at 18 are still things I hope and pray for now at 25. And, I still hope for them as if 25 is still somehow in the future. In my head I'm basically frozen until I have the gift of doing all of that with someone else by my side. Realizing that I was acting like I had to do everything in that list in the correct order starting with priority numero uno - Get Married (to an unknown person who was not assigned at 18, and interviews are still being held for now at 25). But here's where you learn to say the inside thoughts outside - BECAUSE THAT'S SO UNREASONABLE WHEN YOU SPEAK IT NOT IN YOUR HEAD! And it's not even how I actually live! I don't live my life as if I'm waiting for that first step. I may feel that way, but it's simply not the reality. I am a real adult - husband or not. (truly feels so stupid to say it out loud, but i promise you this was earth shattering news to my brain like 20 days ago)
And here's the even wilder part that came just a little while later - My plan was heard. I was mourning something I didn't actually lose. Cause if I write my life out now, as I live it now, guess what? It is totally and completely obvious that the Lord has gifted me with the life I dreamed of, prayed for, and planned on, give or take a few very minor details. I was so busy comparing God's plan to my plan that I failed to recognize how well they aligned. When I actually sit and think about it, I feel so honored. Honored that my plans at 18 would be so closely written into reality, and blessed that the useless or foolish pieces of my plan were not. How delightful it is to not be the author of my own life.
At 23, I was in no way getting married, and oh look! I survived to 24, and now 25 also unmarried and not cast out from my community. I am still friends with one of those bridesmaids by the way, and she's still on the list should that need eventually arise (speaking of which, I'm pretty sure she sent me a text I need to respond to...)
I graduated with my photography degree, and I went to Oregon this summer with my best friend to photograph someone's best day ever. I am 1000% still serving at youth group as a tech and slides girl, but I am also fully dedicated to ROOTS leadership and I adore my girls. Though not as often as I'd like, I host! Games and snacks and Mario Kart, even an occasional full blown party! I am also hosted for dinners and games and I get to play with their kids, too. I do my laundry and I clean my bathroom (though neither is done right now...) Just recently, my brother came into my room and sat in my lofty chair and commented on how cozy and nice my room was, walls covered in photos of loved ones, and art I've been buying and putting up for the last year and a half. I burn candles that smell like cinnamon rolls and coffee, which is sufficient for now. I love all my mood lighting. I see my friends at church all the time, and I go to life group. Zeke is obviously married and his wife is very dear to me. They have just the one baby, and he's a delight to us all. They live in a cute little 2-bedroom house that she makes cuter every day, with a little red door and yellow siding. Cowboy hats hang on the walls and Zeke is building his life as I believe he dreamed of when he was little, too. And boy oh boy am I the "rich" aunt at Christmas! Buying all the cool toys, all the special treasures, and showing those who matter to me just how much fun I have plotting and planning the giant Christmas bags full of gifts on Christmas eve, wrapping strewn all over the church floor, delight and affection shining in our little circle of red and gold paper. I have PLENTY of my own traditions that I treasure as well as my own personal collection of "ber" month decorations and things! From silly traditions like going out to lunch after every baptism, to dancing in the rain at least once every summer, buying easter dresses with Lyndee every year and putting up all my Christmas decorations in November! And, guess what? We also have family dinner. Not always on Sundays, but at least once a week. I have cozy coffee and bible mornings, and I have peace and joy in it all.
I didn't have to wait to start doing the things I dreamed of. And not because I am a "strong independent woman who don't need no man", but because I am a strong, competent, young woman who is dedicated to living a life of contentment, whimsy, and faithful pursuit of the Lord. I have an entire rest of my life to live, even if some of the people I expected to be here for it, took their leave or haven't shown up yet! I am officially a grown up in the lives of a 3-year-old, two 1-year-olds, and one 5-month-old. They will only ever know me as an adult. It's time I start allowing myself to be known as an adult in my own head.
It's funny how you can make the intention to dedicate your life to contentment and then spend 6 months panicking that you're 25, unmarried, and also 25. My life doesn't stop just because I'm waiting for another piece of the puzzle to be found. I long to find that piece. I believe I will find it, though probably not on my own, ya know? I still have those desires, and I want to add to the things I have in beautiful and meaningful ways. More than anything else, I want to build with someone. If finding contentment in the life I have means reminding myself of all of this every day, then I shall. "Someone" could always just be God, and that is more than sufficient and good.
So, I'll buy more art. I'll build my stationery collection and practice hosting parties. I'll clean the bathroom, and sing in my home anyway. I'll take millions of pictures, and edit thousands of them, I'll keep working on that "rich" part of the rich aunt, and continue to make all of my friends play boomerang foo and mario kart. I'll call my friend in Kentucky for two hours once a month, and have coffee with all the friends who have their husbands and even now have babies in Washington. I'll occasionally mourn the friends I no longer talk to. I'll celebrate the eventual engagements and marriages of those few remaining singletons, and I'll go camping. I'll make camp videos, and document my own life all the while. I'll teach and learn and pray and laugh. I'll yell and dance and allow myself to be embarrassed when needed. I'll get my nails done, and develop my style more, and buy more Pop Figures to put on dwindling shelf space.
I'll spend the last 4 months of 25 living my life. And then, when I'm actually 26 - I will live the life of a content, whimsical, and hopefully faithful 26 year old woman.